THE DARK KNIGHT: tHE SPOOF
Title: The Dark Knight: The Spoof.
Fandom: Batman/Nolanverse
Characters/Pairings: Everyone.
Summary: Batman in Fifteen Minutes (As the phrase goes) failing that call it Batman the Spoof.
Notes: Three things: A-THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen the movie DRIVE TO THE THEATER AND SEE IT. B- I WILL RIFF ON YOU. I riff on EVERYONE, including myself. If you are averse to mocking the numerous teenybopper people who have suddenly fallen in love with anarchy and chaos thanks to Heath Ledger’s Joker DO NOT READ. If you are a fan of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL do not read. If you are a GEORGE BUSH SUPPORTER Well, I can pretty well promise some political humor. C- I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH. I am fully aware that there might be people who find this offensive. I wrote what I’d find funny. If you don’t like it, I’m really sorry but y’know, it’s the Internet. You dun have to read.

Okay. I think I’m done.



After repeated viewings of Batman: The Dark Knight I felt it was a duty to put up a spoof of it. I’m honestly surprised that movies in fifteen minutes hasn’t stepped up quiet yet for this-but when they do (and you’ve gotta believe that they will because Cleolinda is brilliant.) go read THAT one.

This deserves a dedication.

And I’ve thought long and hard about whom I would dedicate this to. My friends for putting up with Batman related Squee for forever. The Internet, for y’know, providing awesome graphics and commentary. The studios because goddamnit they made the thing in the first place and we in the fandom community don’t ever give them enough credit.

Or maybe we do. Maybe we through giving money to a ticketeer and buying twenty dollars worth of snacks are giving them a hell of a lot of credit. In the end, these people are getting paid to dress up and play pretend and maybe well maybe we’re just a little bit jealous. So we watch, we sit back and we watch and then we go home and write spoofs and Fanfiction and try to recapture a bit of the magic that they brought to the screen. It’s hard to forget that they’re not Harry Potter. They don’t have wands or House Elves. We give Hollywood a lot of crap for that all they’ve got is money and that’s something that’s in short supply in the world in general. So we’re jealous, we make fun and we mock them and go home and try to capture some of the magic that they brought us.

In that spirit I figured out exactly who to dedicate it to. Because in the end it’s not just one person it’s an entire company but we value originality. We value people who stand out above the crowd, even in terms of making magic. And rightly so, when a magician leaves our presence we mourn.

The artist paints with critical eye
The actor heaves a lover’s sigh
The writer scripts a story true
The sculptor gives us worlds shaped anew.

But in the end, the artist’s eyes close
The actor looses all their prose
The writer sets their pencil down
The sculptor retreats into the ground


For in the end the watcher’s praise
Is everlasting until the end of days
Bright spots in a human life
Can stave off grief and end all strife.
The artist paints with eyes that close
The actor whispers final prose
The writer leaves a lasting note
The sculptor builds new worlds by route

And when they stand to take their bow
The curtain’s falling, their time is now
We rise with smiles on our face
Speaking for the human Race

Our hands come together
Our cheers are loud
We are a noisy faceless crowd
With praise these artisans are endowed

For though it is never spoken
In art perhaps we see our dreams awoken
Of a better race and a better face
A magical and better place.

(And it of course must be remembered
That in the end all audience members
Are artists too, untrained untaught.
But making sure the work of everyone
Is never, ever forgot.)

It is small. It is insignificant (Hell, it might be inappropriate even) but ladies and gentlemen.

To Heath Ledger.

For getting us so damned interested in this movie in the first place.





TITLECARD: THE DARK KNIGHT.

SUBTITLE CARD: we wanted to call it “Batman: The search for more money” But space balls had already kind of taken it.

WAMU NATIONAL BRANCH-WE MEAN, GOTHAM NATIONAL BANK.

Clown One: OKAY. HANDS UP EVERYBODY, THIS IS A ROBBERY!

Clown Two: You don’t want to mess with us after what we had to do to get in here!

Bank Teller: …you know we’re going to ask now. Did it involve high wire stunts above a crowded highway and sliding in like stuntmen in a Universal Studios Show?

Clown One: …Gotham city was an inspiration behind “Grand Theft Auto Liberty City.” AND WE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE STREET.

OUTSIDE:

Grandmother: BITCH! I’M GONNA BUST A CAP IN YO-

Pedestrian: oh-

GOTHAMITES: [CHEER] YAY DEATH!

SQUELTCH.

BANK ROOF

Clown three: So what about this guy who planned the job? I hear they call him the Joker.

Clown Four: Why’s that?

Clown three: cause he’s telling jokes all the time. Here what do you call a patsy on a roof about to die?

Clown Four: …Oh-

BLAM.

-AT THE VAULT.-

Clown Five: Jesus Christ! The Vault’s wired with electricity! What kind of bank does that?

Clown Six: Well, it’s either a mob bank or WaMu.

Clown Five: What kind of madman would be nuts enough to rob a freakin’ WaMu?

Clown Six: The same one who told me to kill you once we broke into the vault.

BLAM.


-WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT MR. CLOWN?-

Clown Seven: Hi, I have an appointment with the manager to rob the bank and humiliate all of you?

Bank Teller: Of course sir, let me see if our manager is availa-

[THERE IS A SOUND OF WORLD EXPLODING SHOTGUN PELLETS.]

Bank Teller: He’ll be right with you. He’s just closed our second account for the day! We’re giving away a free shotgun with every checking account!

Clown eight: What kind of freakin’ bank is this?

-BANK MANAGER-

WILLIAM FITCHNER: [SHOOTS] you maniacs! Don’t you have any idea who you’re stealing from?

[SHOOTS AGAIN]

WILLIAM FITCHNER: [SHOOTS SOME MORE] You feelin’ the Woo-Hoo now bitch? Feeling it now?

-AFTER SUBDUING MINIONS AND BANK MANAGER.-

JOKER/Also known as Clown Eight: SURPRISED?

WILLIAM FITCHNER:. …Does pissed count as surprised?

Joker/AKA Clown Eight: You can’t pull lines like that off. YOU ARE NOT AL PACINO. SAY IT WITH ME NOW-

WILLIAM FITCHNER: Criminals in this town used to believe in things! Honor! Respect! What do you believe in?

JOKER: [REVEALS HIMSELF] I believe in making distracted Goths and people who shop at hot topic pee themselves when I walk on screen. I believe in showing up Jack Nicholson. And Most of all, I believe that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you a shitload of money at the box offices!

-MANIACAL LAUGHTER.-

Nolan: …. I just kind of made you all my metaphorical bitches now didn’t I?

Audience: [BLOWN AWAY] YIS PLS.


-WRAPPING UP PREVIOUS STORYLINES. LET US SHOW YOU IT.-

Drug Dealer: I SELL DRUGS!

Scarecrow: I SELL DRUGS!

Drug Dealer: Your drugs give my customers nightmares! What kind of shit are you selling me?

Scarecrow: …I’m trying to figure out what makes the least sense. The fact that you seem upset about this, or the fact that you are ACTUALLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO’S LIVES YOU ARE RAPING.

[SOMEHOW, THERE ARE DOGGIES.]

DRUG DEALER: My princes! Get the bastard!

-I AM SPARTACUS!-

[There are people being mauled by dogs with is somehow not as interesting as the fact that BATMAN has showed up! And has APPARENTLY REALLY LET HIMSELF GO.]

Batman One: I AM BATMAN!

Batman Two: NO I AM BATMAN! Annnd I’m being eaten by dogs!

-DOGGISH INTERLUDE:-

DOG ONE: …Batman: It’s what’s for dinner?

DOG TWO: I feel like Batman tonight?

DOG ONE: Batman: The other white-Okay, we need to stop.

DOG TWO: AGREED. This is way too easy. You’d think people would have more difficulty making fun of a badass ninja who leaps across rooftops wearing his underpants on the outside.

-AND BACK TO COMIC BOOK PEOPLE.-

Batman Three: I AM BATMAN!

Scarecrow: I am CONFUSED.

[THERE IS SMASHING OF CAR AS CAPED CRUSADER APPEARS ON SCREEN AND AUDIENCE SOILS UNDERWEAR AGAIN]
Batmans: WHO ARE YOU?!

The REAL batman: I’m Spartacus BITCHES.

[And thusly, three months of attempting to recruit dozens of people into Citizens for Batman and make them feel like they are a part of the movie going experience is WRAPPED UP AND NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN]


-SOME EMOTIONAL STUFF HAPPENS-

Nolan: …I mean after those shots I could cut this with scenes of people getting head or being blown up and you wouldn’t mind would you?

Audience: [Drooling] Guh? Bah Bah?

Nolan: I mean I could say anything right now, like you guys are complete tools who bought into a marketing campaign that lasted three months to get studio swag checking every single photo, making icons and blogging about every little thing?

Audience: [STILL STUNNED INTO THE STUPID] Da…da?

Nolan: THIS IS LIKE BEING GOD WITHOUT RULES.



-GOTHAM CITY COURTHOUSE: DOINK DOINK.-

SUBTITLE CARD: Trial of Boss Salvatore Maroni part 87.

RACHEL ‘I’M NO LONGER CRAZY KATIE HOLMES’ DAWES: Harvey is late aga-

[HARVEY DENT ARRIVES. WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE SWOON AND SOMEWHERE EVERYONE FEELS MORE PATRIOTIC]

Harvey: I’m sorry I was late, I was off saving a busload of nuns from a flaming busload of schoolchildren after my early morning charity work reading to sick children and helping the homeless.

Judge: Two flaming busloads?

Harvey: Yes your honor.

Judge: Dent, you know I don’t except tardiness in my courtroom unless it’s four busloads or a giant monkey holding the city hostage!

Salvatore: [chuckles] And here I thought you were just another pretty face.

Harvey: Sally, your dialogue’s so bad that when you’re trying to be funny you ACTUALLY SOUND SERIOUS.

-GOTHAM CITY IS LIKE LIBERTY CITY:-

Harvey: now, BADGUY. After agreeing that I am TOTALLY AWESOME-can you point out the new head of the Falcone crime family?

Some Soprano Guy: Ayup. It’s me. [POINTS] plus, I was technical advisor on the SOPRANOS for the first four seasons before the show got preachy and strange!

Harvey: WHY MUST YOU TURN MY COURTROOM INTO A HOUSE OF LIES?

AUDIENCE: LOOK OUT HARVEY! HE’S GOT A GUN!

Nolan: My plan to turn this guy into a completely sympathetic character and then TAKE HIM OVER TO THE DARKSIDE WITH MORE ANGST THEN ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS WORKING PERFECTLY!

HARVEY: …MY PATRIOTISM! LET ME SHOW YOU IT!

PUNCH. SQUELTCH.

EMOTIONAL MOMENTS: WE HAVE TO HAS THEM.

[BRUCE WAYNE also known as BATMAN, ALSO KNOWN AS SPARTACUS is watching the latest in Internet PORN, stalking your girlfriend videos!]

Alfred: Master Bruce, I’m fully aware that you like being the envy of every fanboy on god’s green earth. I’m also fully aware that you enjoy fulfilling your promise to save Gotham City but doesn’t it bother you that you are missing out on things that are important in life?

Bruce: not at all. [CONTINUES TO WATCH VIDEOS OF STALKING RACHEL]

Alfred: …Okay. Let’s talk about your obsession with Rachel. Stalking people and making noises like a Death Cab for Cutie Song isn’t cool.

Bruce: But I love her Alfred! And I have to prove y’know that I’m not-not-not-

-A FLASHBACK, IN POOR TASTE.-

Batman: Well, taking on the penguin and the Riddler and cat woman has left me exhausted robin, I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of this tension!
Robin: Gee batman? Really?

Batman: [DRAMATIC POINTING] Quick Boy Wonder! TO THE BAT BEDROOM!

WE RETURN TO FRANK MILLERS BATMAN INSPIRED UNIVERSE.

Alfred: Having Rachel photographed privately and bugging her home ISN’T HELPING THIS IMAGE.

Bruce: I suppose you’re right. I shall have to get rid of this tension. HAND ME MY LATEX CODPIECE, I’M GOING TO GO FIGHT CRIME.



-IN THE END IT’S ALL A PISSING CONTEST.-

[RACHEL and HARVEY are sitting in a RESTAURANT. It is DEFINITELY NOT A COCOS OR A DENNY’S.]

Harvey: I can’t believe it took me three weeks to get a reservation here. You have to have at least three blockbusters under your belt in order to even be considered for a table!

Rachel: O rly?

Harvey: But in the end the city health inspector wasn’t afraid to pull strings.

Rachel: …This would be the time where I point out that abusing your power even for the least important things that your position offers is BAD and represents everything you’re taking a stand against right?

HARVEY:.. OH LOOK. IT’S YOUR OLD SCHOOLYARD CHUM BRUCE WAYNE.

[ENTER BRUCE WAYNE AND BALLERINA]

BRUCE: Rachel! Fancy that!

Rachel: Yeah Bruce. Fancy that. How’d you know we’d be here?

Bruce: I bugged your bedroom.

Rachel…whut?

Bruce: I said there’s plenty of room! Let’s put a couple of tables together!

-YOU EITHER DIE A HERO OR YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE SOME REAL MONEY.-

Harvey: I genuinely think that we can beat Titanic as the best movie ever in the history of the universe. We’ve got two hundred million more to go and fans slathering out there to see the movie seven…eight times…

Bruce: [AWED] You’ve sold me, I’m for anything that will further my career. I’M GOING TO HOLD YOU A PARTY.

Rachel: Gee Bruce-I’m not particularly sure…I-mean I-

Harvey: WILL THERE BE BALLOONS?

Bruce: …Red White and blue Ones?

HARVEY: SOLD.

-WE REJOIN THE CRIMINAL FRATERNITY. OR WHY CHINA IS SOMETIMES THE ROOT OF ALL-EVIL.-

[THERE IS A BIG PARTY UNDERGROUND WITH LOTS OF SCARY BIG MOB TYPES]

NOLAN: I’ve already established that this is NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE. Which means that we have to have REAL WORLD MOTIVES for GETTING THESE GUYS TOGETHER. There’s money involved. You saw that right? IT’S MAKING YOU THINK RIGHT? YOU ARE THINKING AND THIS IS NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE.

SOME CHINESE GUY: HELLO…

Nolan: NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE.

[The plan is outlined]

Some Chinese Guy: So anyway because after decades of luring you all into a false sense of security by thinking we Asian guys can be trusted to do all your math I have TAKEN all your money and put it in a secure location. I will be in Hong Kong so Batman and the rest of um’ can’t get you.

Some Mob guy: What makes you think they won’t go to the Feds?

Some Chinese guy: Despite the LACK OF FEDERAL PRESENCE IN GOTHAM CITY, no one in America would dare piss us off now. Not so close to the Olympic games with us holding the torch in the palm of our hands!

-THE JOKER ARRIVES.-

JOKER: Good afternoon folks, good afternoon. Guy named Nolan hired me to do the entertainment so I’ll start by making this pencil disappear-

BACK IN REALITY.

AUDIENCE: BEST. SCENE. EVER.

-BACK IN GOTHAM CITY.-

Joker: And now that’s over with I’ll explain. BATMAN IS LIKE ASLAN THE JESUS KITTY. YOU CAN’T STOP HIM EVEN IF YOU TRY.

Mob: What makes you so sure?

Joker: the fact that he’s the only franchise DC’s done that’s made any money? The fact that he’s almost got as many movies as JAMES FREAKIN’ BOND?

MOB BOSS: Let’s kill the clown!

Joker: Do you guys like the taste of failure?

MOB BOSS 2: IT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE.

-GETTING CHINESE TAKEOUT IS A BITCH.-

[THE ICON IMAGE OF THE BATSIGNAL is beamed out across the sky. When BATMAN, aka SPARTICUS, AKA BRUCE WAYNE arrives he realizes it’s NOT GORDON CALLING HIM]

Batman: YOU’RE NOT GORDON.

Harvey: …wow. You must be some kind of DETECTIVE OR SOMETHING.

GORDON: And with the end of the spot jokes…TOUCHING THE BATSIGNAL IS A FELONY. WE HAVE TO PAY ROYALTIES TO THE KANE ESTATE EVERY TIME WE USE IT!

Harvey: BITCH. I’M THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN’T DO!

NOLAN: do you SEE MY BRILLIANT FORESHADOWING! IT’S LIKE TOTALLY NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE!

Harvey: So anyway-

Nolan: NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE! [RUNS LIKE HELL]

Harvey: [COUGHS] Our pivotal plot character has ESCAPED TO CHINA. He told THIS MORON [points at Gordon] that he wanted to go to the OLYMPIC GAMES, which aren’t for another month.

Gordon: WELL YOUR MOMMA’S…. shit I can’t do a momma joke here can I? Half of the city’s parents are dead.

Harvey: YEAH. WHY AREN’T YOU INVESTIGATING THAT EPIDEMIC INSTEAD OF BRINGING YOUR HATE TRIP DOWN ON THIS POW-WOW MAN?

BATMAN: you need him back?

GORDON AND HARVEY: [STILL ARGUING]

Batman: HELLO?

[THE ARGUMENT CONTINUES AS BATMAN SHRUGS, FLYING OFF.]


BRUCE WAYNE GOES TO CHINA. IT’S LIKE MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON WITH BLACK PEOPLE.

Fox: In Alfred’s Absence I feel like reminding you that you’re a psychopathic rich boy with mommy and daddy issues.

BATMAN: Duly noted.

Fox: Also uh-did you really need to bring all those ballerinas?

GOTHAM CITY BALLET.

Rachel: Closed? Aww…

Harvey: billionaire absconds with ballet? …. Twenty-Seven Women?

Rachel: DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

BACK IN CHINA.

Batman: Now they won’t be cuddling at the ballet!

Fox: Whut.
Batman: THE PLANE! THE PLANE IS LATE!


INCREDIBLY POINTLESS IMAX SEQUENCE.

Nolan: …I can shoot in I-Max. I can shoot in I-Max-

WB: Show off.

Nolan: It’s not showing off if it produces results! [POINTS AT AUDIENCE] Lookit them!

AUDIENCE: It’s like BEING IN THE MATRIX WITHOUT THE MORALITY AND A MESSAGE THAT MAKES SENSE.

BACK IN GOTHAM CITY WITH THE JOKER.

Joker: For my next act, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience. How about YOU-Mr. Doubtful Mob guy?

MOB GUY: You are a SCARY SCARY CLOWN.

Joker: duly noted. Now, do you want to know how I got my scars?

MOB GUY: Not particularly…

JOKER: TOO DAMN BAD BITCH. IT’S MY GIMMICK!

AUDIENCE: BEST. GIMMICK. EVER.

JOKER: and now we build our criminal empire! We’ll start with a VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN SO THE LOOSERS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME WILL COME TO OUR AID. GOTHAM! IF YOU WANT STUDIO SWAG CALL IN NOW!

GOTHAMITES: [CHEER] YAY SWAG!


GOTHAM ORDERS CHINESE AND GETS IT DELIVERED.

Gordon: THERE IS A MAN ON THE STEPS OF THE PRECINCT.

Some Cop Woman: [READING] Dear Lt. Gordon. China was nice, picked you up some Egg Rolls and this guy here. Regards, Batman.

GORDON: that BASTARD!

Some Cop Woman: Why? Because he just violated a human being’s civil liberties and probably scarred this man for life?

GORDON: HE KNOWS I DON’T LIKE EGGROLLS!

HARVEY DOES SOMETHING PATRIOTIC, RACHEL DOES SOMETHING CUTE

RACHEL: I have a wonderfully wicked idea.

Harvey: Does it involve us trying all these mob guys as a criminal conspiracy thereby making them all one collective unit?

Rachel: …Actually it involved Me, Bruce, and You making a tuscadero sandwich, but THAT WORKS TOO.

[THERE IS A COURTROOM]

Judge: Not guilty, not guilty, not guilty by insanity, not guilty, playing card, death threat, naked picture of Harvey Dent, naked picture of Christian Bale to save for later- not guilty-how do all of you plead?

GIANT MOB THING: NOT GUILTY YOUR HONOR.

[THE MAYOR HAS A FEW THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS]

MAYOR: where’d you get the idea to do this?

Harvey: I used to be a prosecutor at Guantanamo Bay.

Mayor: You realize people will hate you just as much as they hate the guys who did that if this goes south right?

Harvey: MY PUBLIC’S LOVE. LET ME SHOW YOU IT.


I’M NOT BATMAN! I’M NOT BATMAN!

[WE INTERRUPT THIS SPOOF TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING VIDEOTAPE THAT HAS JUST BEEN DELIEVERED TO THIS JOURNAL.]


[THERE IS A FAT MAN IN A CHAIR]

Audience: OOooo. SAW reference?

JOKER: …[SHAKES HEAD] are you the real batman!

FAKE BATMAN: …no.

JOKER: good, cause damn. I was about to recommend you totally like join freakin’ weight watchers or something. I mean I know Ra’s Al ghul was like a father to you but Christ man. So you’re some guy in a suit?

FAKE BATMAN: …YES.

JOKER: see, WHEN YOU DRESS UP IN COSTUME you should choose a character that you totally LOOK LIKE. I can see PENGUIN with you. NOT BATMAN. Why’d you pick batman?

FAKE BATMAN: because he’s totally awesome?

JOKER: Okay see. This attitude has gotta stop. Batman is a SAD MAN WITH A LOT OF ISSUES WEARING WHAT AMOUNTS TO A DOMINATRIX OUTFIT ON THE ROOFTOPS OF GOTHAM CITY. He’s either a nut job or he’s as queer as a three-dollar bill-

AND NOW FOR A VIEWER REACTION-

BATMAN: …[OUTRAGED SCREAM]

AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.

JOKER: So here’s the dish. Either Batman comes out and tells me because goddamn I’d like to see Superman or maybe Iron Man with more then one movie? Or I start killing people. I’m a man of my word.

GOTHAMITES: [CHEER] YAY! WORDS! … WAIT A MINUTE…

Gordon: [HEADDESK]

BECAUSE THE NUMBER TWO WILL BE DONE TO DEATH LATER IN THE MOVIE.

Some Judge: So you’re saying the Joker’s targeted me for death and that despite the t-shirts saying “I work for Maroni’s Death Squad” you guys are here to protect me?

SOME COPS: Yes. Absolutely.

Audience: oooo. Judge go Boom.

Gothammites: [CHEERING] YAY BOOM!


COMMISSIONER LEOB: … You knew there had to be two high profile deaths right? I mean, how the hell can’t I be one of them? I MIGHT AS WELL END IT NOW.

Gordon: NO SIR! -

Some Female cop: What did he drink? Drano? Turpentine? Arsenic?

GORDON: Worse. MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE.

GOTHAMITES: [CHEER] YAY LEMONADE!


HARVEY: You know, you’re hot.

Rachel: I am aware of this.

Harvey: We should do it and have INCREDIBLY attractive kids.

Rachel: [TORN]

BACK IN REALITY.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SAY YES YOU FOOL! HE’S YOUR MR. BIG! HE’S YOUR MR. BIG!

BACK IN BRUCE’S SEXPAD.

Harvey: There’s someone else isn’t it? Fine. Fuck you. I have chemistry with EVERYBODY. I could go and have chemistry with that brick wall if I wanted, or with the hands that are wrapping around my throat squeezing the life out of-

THUD.

Rachel: I’m going to pretend you didn’t enjoy doing that.

Batman: DAMMIT. ENOUGH WITH THE GAY JOKES.


-PARDON ME MADAM, BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAY PUPON OR DISTRICT ATTORNEY?-

JOKER: I…I’ve got nothing.

Rachel: The line is, “Do you wanna know how I got my scars?”

JOKER: …oh no wait! I’ve got one! What do you call a person whose career is dropping like a raindrop?

Rachel: …Katie Holmes?

Harvey: [FROM INSIDE BROOM CLOSET] The Wachowski Brothers?

Random Party Guest: Uh, the guys who were doing the Incredible Hulk?

JOKER: […CONTINUES TO ALWAYS SMILE] Close-

Rachel: OH-

BATMAN: SHIT!

-AFTER BATMAN TOTALLY SAVES THE HELL OUT OF HER.-

Batman: …you know, like the song-we should totally just-

Rachel: Movie’s PG-13 Bruce.

Batman: Yeah But. I just saved your life and-

Rachel: PG-13 Rating.

Batman: Are you sure we can’t just-

Rachel: PG-13.

Batman: BITCH.

-MORE PLOT DEVELOPMENT HAPPENS.-

Nolan: I mean I could tell you right now that aliens are landing outside and breaking into your freakin’ cars and you’d believe me wouldn’t you? I am literally god in your universe watching this film aren’t I? I mean I just-

Okay see? See? Watch. THE MAYOR’S GOING TO DIE. EVERYBODY PANIC.

GOTHAMITES: [CHEER] YAY DEATH!

AUDIENCE: …You could tell us the theater was on fire and we would leap up screaming.

-THERE IS A FUNERAL OF SORTS.-

Newscaster: And here we see the casket go by, and yes that’s the public servants of Gotham City walking in support. And there’s little John Kennedy Junior saluting it as it passes with his mother Jackie- (doesn’t she look gorgeous!) and here comes Bruce Wayne weaving through the crowd like he as someplace to be and OH! OH here’s the honor guard. The honor guard today was selected especially for their ability to make extremely difficult shots with extremely long rifles at extremely close range! And there’s the gun salute and THERE’S the mayor falling! He’s so good at it and oh-Oh there’s Jim Gordon! It looks like he just took the bullet for the Mayor-

-BACK IN THEATER-

Audience: [PUNCHED IN THE GUT]

Nolan: [BECOMING DRUNK WITH POWER] MUAHAH-AHAHAHAAH-

-BACK TO GOTHAM.-

BATMAN: [FAILS AT SAVING THE DAY!]

Nolan: [Still laughing] TOTALLY NOT A SUPER HERO MOVIE.

-MY FORESHADOWING. LET ME SHOW YOU IT.-

[THERE IS AN ALLEYWAY AND HARVEY DENT WITH SOME RANDOM GUY]

Harvey: TELL ME ABOUT THE JOKER!

RANDOMGUY: [raspberry]

Harvey: So you wanna play games huh? Okay. Okay, we’ll play games.

RANDOMGUY: What are you going to do with that?

Harvey: FORESHADOWING BITCH. LET ME SHOW YOU IT. HEADS I BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT. HEADS I…BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!

Batman: Methinks you’re not supposed to enjoy it that much.

Harvey: DAMMIT. That’s what BEING PATRIOTIC IS. It’s not all saving flaming buses of nuns! You have to BEAT THE HORSE OF TERRORISM UNTIL IT IS DEAD AND BLOATED AND BLUE.

Batman: …Gotham can’t survive another George Bush. I am turning myself in tomorrow.

Harvey: WHAT?! NO! NO YOU CAN’T! YOU CANNOT GIVE IN! WE HAVE TO STAY THE COURSE! WE HAVE TO-my god I really do sound like that guy don’t I?

Batman: all the more reason to end this madness. NOW.

-I AM THE BATMAN FO REAL YO.-

Harvey Dent: My fellow Americans. You have stayed the course against terrorism, you have never flagged or failed, you have defended our isle whatever the cost has been and now it’s time to address the fact that we-seemingly-have really SUCKED at protecting you. Well NO MORE. I ADMIT IT. I’M THE BATMAN.

GOTHAMITES” [CONFUSED] …we can has batman?

Harvey: Yes. Yes you cans. You can has a batman. Take the batman into custody.

-A CHASE SCENE IN TEN SECONDS.-

HARVEY: …Here’s hoping Batman saves my ass.

Rachel: BRUCE. YOU’RE THE BIGGEST DICK TO EVER…HAVE A DICK!

JOKER: …It’s all, part of the plan.

SOME COPS: Being a cop in Basin City is safer then this-PLUS you get nice fat bribes to live off of.

-JIM GORDON IS ALIVE!-

GORDON: [WAVES TO ALL]

Harvey: [KNEW]

Batman: [KNEW]

Rachel: [DIDN’T KNOW AND REMAINS PISSED ABOUT IT]

AUDIENCE: …HOLY- [expletives deleted]

Nolan: …I. Am. GOD.

-THERE IS SOME KIDNAPPING TAKING PLACE! LET’S CALL THE FBI! OH WAIT- THEY AREN’T IN GOTHAM CITY ARE THEY? I MEAN, AT LEAST MULDER AND SCULLY COULD SHOW UP? -SAY, LET’S HAVE THEM DO THAT.-

Mulder: Harvey Dent and his girlfriend/love interest have been kidnapped.

Scully: I think we should start by interrogating the Joker’s goons-

Mulder: …It can only be the work of ALIENS.

Scully: [SRS BSNS FACE] Aliens in Gotham City.

Mulder: …IT’S NOT AS FAR FETCHED AS YOU MIGHT THINK. MARTIAN MANHUNTER? SCULLY?

-AND WE JUST REMEMBERED WHY X-FILES IS DEAD AND GONE TO MOVIE AND TV-SHOW HEAVEN.-

GORDON: The Feds are out and the Joker’s in custody. We have three options. Option A is we go Rodney King on his ass, Option B is we let Batman go Rodney King on his ass, or Option C is we call New York, get some Feds down here and make a Federal Case of this like SANE POLICE OFFICERS DO. Now. What do you all think?

RAMIREZ: Option B.

WEURTZ: Option B.

STEPHENS: OPTION B.

MURPHY: …B.

GORDON: Wow, shit I was going to suggest option A because it seems like letting Batman beat the crap out of criminals is getting kind of old hat and we should maybe take responsibility for our actions but damn, now that I know I’m the minority here…

RAMIREZ: You are the sanest link. Goodbye.

GORDON: Why do I have the feeling that was some sort of horrible foreshadowing?

-THE WAREHOUSE OF LOVE AND EXPLOSIONS.-

[THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE IN TWO DIFFERENT ROOMS IN TWO DIFFERENT PARTS OF TOWN TALKING TO EACH OTHER VIA TELEPHONE. IT’S LIKE A MATCH.COM SPECIAL DATE.]

AUDIENCE: our FAITH HAS BEEN REWARDED. God-Nolan has blessed us with SAW-STYLE TORTURE PRON.

Rachel: Can anyone hear me? Hello! Hello!

Harvey: …Rachel?

Rachel: OMG. JIGSAW?

Harvey: …No. Rachel.

Rachel: …Oh shit. That’s a bad thing. I mean with Jigsaw there might be needles or goo or poison darts or something but there’s always a way out.

Harvey: Relax. We can’t die. IT’S A SUPERHERO MOVIE.

YET ANOTHER JUMPCUT TO THE REAL WORLD.

-AUDIENCE: …OHHHHHH-HARVEEEE-OOOOOOH.-

NOLAN: I am the BEST THING SINCE GEORGE LUCAS.

-AND BACK IN GOTHAM CITY…-

Rachel: Harvey, I just felt a strange disturbance in the force…As if millions of voices made quiet whimpering noises and were suddenly silenced.

Harvey: …[SLIGHTLY NERVOUS NAO] we’ll be okay Rachel! DON’T GO CRAZY. THAT’S GOING TO BE MY JOB.

Rachel: doing a hell of a job so far.

Harvey: OKAY. FINE.

-LETTING BATMAN GO RODNEY KING: WHAT ALL COPS SHOULD DO.-

[THE JOKER IS SITTING IN AN INTERROGATION ROOM JOINED BY GORDO WHO SHOULD REALLY BE CALLED ZOMBIE-GORDO SINCE HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD BUT ZOMBIES ARE THE last THING THAT GOTHAM NEEDS]

Joker: Evening Commissioner.

Audience: [PEES SELF FOR THE THIRD TIME] BEST. LINE. EVER.

Gordon: …CUT THE CRAP. WHERE’S HARVEY DENT?

Joker: have you asked Mulder and Scully?

GORDON: shut up!

Joker: Dude, any particular reason you’re channeling all this hatred? I mean, let’s pass the doobie on the left hand side y’know? C’mon people now, smile on your brother…

Gordon: [RELAXES] Gee. Let’s do that? I’ll go get some pot from the evidence room we’ll chat-totally put on Alice in Wonderland and be like-trippin’ yo.

Joker: …Srsly?

GORDON: …NO.

-BATMAN VS. THE JOKER. THE FIGHT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.-

Audience: OUR PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO WITNESS THIS MOMENT.

Nolan: Now THAT is what I’m talking about.

-NO SRSLY. LET’S LIKE, THUNDERDOME THIS BITCH.-

Joker: Dude! It’s Batman!

BATMAN: [PICKS HIM UP AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL]

Joker: AND HE’S PISSED! So what, you’re the bad cop?

BATMAN: I’M FUCKING SPARTACUS BITCH.

JOKER: OK. See uh, this running gag you have, looking for me, the gay innuendo-the subtle political humor…

BATMAN: [PICKS HIM UP AND FLINGS HIM INTO THE PLATE GLASS]

Joker: WHY IN GOD’S NAME ARE THE POLICE DOING NOTHING?

THE PO-PO.

Gordon: Some instinct is compelling me to do something. Something vital, important-something we should have done ages ago.

Ramirez: …going in and pulling Batman off of him?

Gordon: No…

Weurtz: calling the feds?

Gordon: …No…

SomeRandomCOP: Starting a betting pool?

Gordon: YES! FIVE TO ONE ON BATMAN, c’mon people let’s lay the MONEY DOWN.

-WWE GOTHAM CITY.-

Joker: so you can totally be honest with me. Is this turning you on because I’m right there with ya. This is fucking KINKY.

BATMAN: [ENRAGED] SHUT. UP.

-BACK TO THE WAREHOUSE OF LOVE AND EXPLOSIONS-

[BACK TO THE HORRIBLE TORTUROUS MATCH.COM MEETING STRATEGY INVOLVING BOMBS AND SPLOSIONS]

RACHEL: Harvey, I have this feeling we’re about to die.

Harvey: I’m thinking possibly you’re right.

RACHEL: I have something to confess to you Harvey. I-I-

Harvey: You love me?

RACHEL: I-I used your best court shirt to wax my car.

Harvey: Am going to pretend that you didn’t say that because you love me!

Rachel: …I slept with Bruce Wayne and I liked it.

Harvey: NOT LISTENING because you LOVE ME

RACHEL: I slept with Jim Gordon and fucking loved it…

Harvey: …you LOVE ME…

RACHEL: I mean, my god the things that he could do with his-

Harvey: LOVE. ME TRUE LOVE. LOVE.

Rachel: OH YEAH AND I UH-

-ENTER THE BATMAN BITCHES.-

Batman: RACHEL! I AM HERE TO SAVE YOU AND PROVE MY MANHOOD BECAUSE-OH FUCK.

[HARVEY IS TIED TO A CHAIR]

Batman: FUCK ME.

HARVEY: GODDAMNIT, MY GIRLFRIEND IS ON THE PHONE, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US? I AM NOT INTERESTED!

RACHEL’S DEATH SCENE.

Rachel: I’m totally screwed aren’t I?

GOTHAMITES: [CHEERING] YAY DEATH!

KABOOM.

AUDIENCE: WOW, that totally set it up for a sequel. Oh man, poor Harvey, Poor Rachel, poor-

-YOU THINK THIS IS THE END? YOU PATHETIC FOOL!-

Gordon: Okay people, This is what we’ve got. We’ve got a HORRIBLY MUTILATED DISTRICT ATTORNEY, A dead love interest, a VIGILANTE OUT FOR REVENGE, and a CRAZY PSYCHOPATHIC CLOWN.

Ramirez: we should call in reinforcements from y’know, bludhaven or Metropolis or New-Freakin- York or something…
Gordon: Fuck that shit, we’ve got to get out and market this! RAMIREZ. GET HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE, WEURTZ, get me Travel!

Weurtz: Travel?

Gordon: WE’RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD! After we wrap this up with a Hollywood Ending. Because this is a SUPER HERO MOVIE.

-HOLEE SHIT.-

AUDIENCE: That’s right, happy things are going to happen. Like in Iron Man. Like in Spiderman, People are GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS OKAY. Rachel (even though she was lame) will be alive, Harvey will be alive and healed and BATMAN WILL SOMEHOW SNOG CATWOMAN.

NOLAN: you just keep thinking that.

Audience: [WHIMPERS]

-THE HOSPITAL OF PAIN AND EXPLOSIONS-

[HARVEY DENT is in the hospital slowly going crazy. Which is understandable, it’s a HOSPITAL after all]

GORDO: [ARRIVES] Heeeyyy…Harvey…how ya feelin…

Harvey: Do you all remember what that name was that you had for me at internal affairs?

Gordo: …Mr. Sell your own mother to get ahead?

Harvey: No, that wasn’t it…

Gordo: Mr. takes it up the ass?

Harvey: …No…

Gordo: Two-Face?

Harvey: …Remember my foreshadowing? [TURNS TO REVEAL HIS FACE]

Gordo: HOLY CRAP ON A CRUTCH-I mean, it’s hardly noticeable.

GOTHAM IS IN DANGER ONCE AGAIN.

Mayor: Gotham is in Danger once again. I’d really like to put y’know, a ballot measure down that’d allow us to BAN PEOPLE IN PSYCHOTIC COSTUMES. It worked for Watchmen.

Deputy Mayor: True Dat.

Gordon: GOTHAM STILL HAS BATMAN, AND BATMAN IS TOTALLY GOING TO FIND THE JOKER AND PWN HIM.

Mayor: Just like he did in the LAST FIVE MOVIES? ARE YOU SENSING A TREND MEBBE?

-THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT CNN-

[WE INTERRUPT THIS SPOOF FOR A NEWS BULLETIN]

SOME ANCORMAN: Hi, I’m Mike Engel here for FOX NEWS with this weenie subplot. Somebody has ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT WHO BATMAN IS. Which is, to say the least a FEAT given that he’s been around since the FREAKIN THIRTIES and nobody has been able to put this together.

WEENIE: That’s right.

SOME ANCORMAN: okay, let’s take a caller! Hello Caller, you’re on Fox News…

CALLER: yes, Weenie. How’d you figure that out? Are you truly the biggest geek on the face of the fucking planet?

WEENIE: I blog pretty damn regularly but that’s beside the point.

SOME ANCORMAN: okay, let’s go to another caller, hello you’re on FOX NEWS.

Joker: yeah, I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE SPOILING THINGS LIKE THIS FOR ME.

SOME ANCORMAN: Don’t you think that people have a right to know?

JOKER: NOT WHEN THERE’S STILL PROFIT TO BE HAD. SPOILERWHOR HERE IS RUINING THIS FOR EVERYONE. IF HE ISN’T DEAD IN THE NEXT HOUR? I’M GOING TO BLOW UP A HOSPITAL.

SOME ANCORMAN: …That’s a little harsh don’t you think?

JOKER: someone spoiled the end of THE SIXTH SENSE FOR ME AND I HAVE NEVER EVER FORGIVEN THEM FOR IT.

-WE ARE THE DRAMATIC METAPHORS.-

Gordon: I’ve got a joke for you, what’s in terrible danger and has NO VIABLE PLAN FOR A LARGE SCALE DISASTER?

Ramirez: Uh…New Orleans?

Gordon: close…

Weurtz: The United States?

Gordon: …Bad political humor right there.

THE JOKER: Gotham City?

Gordon: …dude, you must have heard this one!

-A BRIEF POLITICAL AD FOR THE REAL WORLD.-

[IN A FIT OF POSSIBLE INSANITY Gordon is EVACUATING every SINGLE HOSPITAL.]

Some Nurse: Why are we dragging all these sick people from their beds?

Some Doctor: Dramatic visuals. People have nightmares about having to flee from hospitals.

Some Nurse: But with the rising cost of healthcare isn’t that what we’ll all be doing?

Some Doctor: NOT IF WE GET SMART AND VOTE OBAMA FOR HEALTHCARE REFORM IN 08!

[VOTE OBAMA 08 TODAY]

-BACK TO REALITY (OOP THERE GOES GRAVITY]-

AUDIENCE: [ZOMBIE VOICE] …Vote OBAMA 08 TODAY.

[NOLAN BY THIS TIME HAS GONE ON TO PROVE THAT BLACK IS WHITE AND UP IS DOWN]

-THE ANGST ROOM.-

[HARVEY DENT is in a ROOM looking FUGLY [WEEP] and generally TRYING NOT TO EXIST]

Some Nurse: It could be worse. You could’ve gotten your whole body toasted like Anakin Skywalk-

Harvey: SHUT. UP.

[ENTER THE JOKER]

Joker: HOWDY THAR.

Harvey: [CHOKES] RAGE! MAIM! KILL! DESTROY!

JOKER: Just goes to show you that in the end politicians are just people motivated by their BASE IMPULSES.

HARVEY: [MAKES STRANGLEY NOISES] RAGE! MAIM! KILL! DESTROY.

Joker: TAKE IT EASY SONNY! Let’s turn those feelings into more visually appealing ones! We’ve got an AUDIENCE TO PLACATE. SEE. Here’s the thing. Killing Rachel was a fucking public service.

-THE WORLD WITH RULES (AKA THE REAL WORLD-

Comic Fans: A-FREAKIN-MEN.

-AND BACK IN RACHEL-LESS GOTHAM CITY.-

Joker: But see, You-YOU’RE COOL. You’ve got potential! You’ve got a FREAKIN’ UGLY FACE! Plus, y’know, you’re TRAGIC!

HARVEY: …[SEETHES]

Joker: THIS IS WHAT I PROPOSE. Join me, and together we will RULE GOTHAM CITY AS ANARCHIST AND…. GUY WHO WANTS VENGEANCE!

HARVEY: or I could just kill you.

Joker: Don’t think so. I’M MARKETABLE. EVERYONE LOVES A PSYCHOPATH.

-REALITY ONCE AGAIN.-

Audience: OOooo Joker you’re so hot I wish you’d tie me up like SAW STYLE TORTURE PORN and cut my face and make me do horrible thiiiiinnnngs…

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Apparently Christopher Nolan has managed to tap into some sort of internal need to be punished psyche thing.

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: I think it’s what critics call “The Dead Guy Factor” With the tragic passing of Heath Ledger Audiences are truly stunned by performances and of course, stellar performances are going to inspire people to be interested. It will ultimately inspire people to be intrigued simply because it’s so different. It’s a sociological bellwether if you will…

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER: …Let’s go to the source!

NOLAN WHO IS A GOD: EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN, SO WHY DON’T YOU?

-HEADS YOU LIVE. TAILS YOU GET TO SEQUEL.-


GORDON: TO RECAP since this is apparently the LONGEST SUPERHERO MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GENRE SO FAR, District Attorney disfigured, girl dead, batman gone loco, cops freaking out, city in danger.

SOME COP: In essence, we are no different from any other batman movie.

GORDON: that’s a GOOD THING. That means everything is going to turn out OKAY IN THE END.

SOME COP: you just keep being naïve like that.

-DAS BOAT! NO WAIT, DAS BOATS! CUZ THERE’S TWO!-

[SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT A MAJOR METROPOLITIAN CITY HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO IT’S KNEES BY A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE LOVE CHILD OF ALEX FROM A CLOCKWORK ORANGE AND IGGY POP. THIS IS THE AMERICA WE LIVE IN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.]

Joker: It’s a sign of the times. [BOWS]

[THERE ARE LOTS OF METAPHORS ABOUT THIS FACT]

Joker: I’M AN ANARCHIST BECAUSE ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT. And now I’ll take my Hot Topic! Brand Make up with my Weezer CD and go smoke while DESTROYING PEOPLE.

-OUR GULLIBILITY LET US SHOW YOU IT.-

Audience: …SRSLY! [ALL INSPIRED NOW]

-IN A WORLD WITHOUT RULES…-

Joker: NO YOU MORONS?! Oh my god hasn’t it sunk in yet that I’m COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DERANGED? And ONLY GEEKS BUY THEIR ANARCHY GEAR FROM FUCKING HOT TOPIC!

…. And no, your MOM DOES NOT THINK YOU’RE COOL. SHE JUST PITIES YOU.

-RE-ENTER THE BATMAN-

Batman/Spartacus/Wayne: Now it’s personal.

Alfred: What? For making the audience cry emo tears before running off to buy Joker Bobble heads?

Batman/Spartacus/Wayne: No. I’m going to give him a medal for that. This is about Rachel.

Alfred: Has it ever occurred to you that there might be other opportunities to prove your manhood?

Batman/SPARTACUS/WAYNE: not NOW.I’M BEING DRAMATIC.

WE RETURN TO THE BOATS I MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY.

[THERE ARE BOATS. Because ALL THE OTHER BOATS ARE BROKEN THERE ARE ONLY TWO TO EVACUATE A CITY OF THREE MILLION PEOPLE. TALK ABOUT COINCIDENCE]

BOAT A: Hi, I’m Boat A. I house all the convicts, murderers, thieves, Rapists, and general not-nice people who cheat on their income taxes-and that’s just the PRISON GUARDS.

BOAT B: Hi. I’m Boat B; I house all the convicts, murderers, thieves, rapists, and general not nice people who cheat on their income taxes. The only difference between me and boat A is that NONE OF MY CIVILIANS HAVE GOTTEN CAUGHT YET.

BOAT A: seriously?

BOAT B: Dude, this is GOTHAM CITY. If you’re born here you’re automatically committing a crime. Babies like, steal from other babies in the hospital.

-A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT-

JOKER: ELLO THAR BOAT PEOPLE! [WAVES] Tonight you’re all going to be part of an EPIC SONG WORTHY OF THE SEX PISTOLS. We’re going to illustrate the depravity of the human condition and the horrible lives we all apparently lead. In your hands you hold detonators that are linked to the latest high-school musical albums…

BOAT A: OH DEAR GOD NO!

JOKER: that’s right! Now, Either Boat A blows up Boat B or Boat B blows up Boat A or I blow up BOTH OF Y’ALL and you die in a FIREY HAIL OF ZAC EFRON AND BOUNCY ASHLEY TISDALE SINGING.

BOAT B: Why are you DOING THIS? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY! HAVE YOU NO HUMAN COMPASSION OR HUMAN FEELING?

JOKER: not if I want to reach my target audience.

OUR LAST CUT TO THE REAL WORLD. I SWEAR.

Audience: oh my god he is SO TOTALLY RIGHT. Now I’m going to go darken my eyeliner and write HORRIBLE POETRY ABOUT HOW THE JOKER KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER SILENCED BY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: Is there no hope of getting any of you to remember this is simply an actor doing a performance.

AUDIENCE: SHUT UP. I AM THINKING UP WAYS TO BE AN ANARCHIST WHILE I LISTEN TO RADIOHEAD.

-WE DO NOT WANT HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! WE DO NOT WANT HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!-

BOAT A: dude. We should just do this.

BOAT B: THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE. IF THIS WERE TEXAS THOSE PEOPLE WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD!

Captain of boat B: Holy shit are you freakin’ serious? These are human lives. They deserve compassion, they deserve understanding. Yeah I mean, they’re bad but dying in fiery boom isn’t compassionate-putting a needle in the arm and prolonging the experience-

BOAT B: what do you think we are FREAKS? BLOWING PEOPLE UP IS QUICKER!

Captain of Boat B: Yeah, BUT YOU DON’T GET TO WATCH THEN!



[THERE IS PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATE]

-THE SPOOF AUTHOR’S FAVORITE SCENE EVER.-

Big Badass motherfucker: Give me the detonator. I’m a badass motherfucker. You can say I took it from you. You want to take their life but you’re mired in morality. I’m a minority, a STATISTIC. You’ve already given up on me, why shouldn’t I just embrace it? Give it to me cause you’re a fucking pussy. I’ve killed before.

WARDEN: hokies. That was easy.

Big Badass Motherfucker: [THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW]

WRITER: STRIKE A BLOW FOR STEREOTYPES PROVING TO BE COMPLETELY INNACURATE! [SQUEES.] BEST THING EVER.

-SWEET ANGRY JESUS WE’RE ALMOST THREE HOURS LONG HERE!-

[BATMAN AND THE COPS FIGHT!]

BATMAN: bitch, I’M DOING THE RIGHT THING HERE!

Cops: BUT THIS IS A SUPER HERO MOVIE. That means that the HOSTAGES ARE THE ONES WE NEED TO SAVE.

BATMAN: So the fact that they are kicking your ass means what?

Cops: THEY’RE SO GRATEFUL THAT THEY’RE HUGGING US SO HARD IT’S BREAKING OUR NECKS!


[BATMAN AND THE JOKER FIGHT!]

Joker: YOU GOT MY LOVE LETTER.

Batman: [THROWN INTO AN ANGRY RAGE] RAAAAAAAA!

-A DOGGISH INTERLUDE-

Dog One: holy crap! THIS BATMAN TASTES DIFFERENT!

Dog Two: Free range?

Dog One: FROM NOW ON I’M GOING ORGANIC!

-AND BACK TO THE FIGHT FOR THE WIN!-

ANNOUNCER: Oooo, and the Joker’s got Batman in a headlock-and Batman just threw a punch to the left! A punch to the right! Is that-YES! YES HE’S GOING FOR THE CHAIR! And the Ref’s calling a time out-AND HOLY CRAP BATMAN IS GRABBING HIS GROIN. IS THIS THE PROOF WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR? IS BATMAN REALLY-

Batman: RAAAAAA! [THROWS THE JOKER OUT A WINDOW]

-EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE-

GORDON: [GASPS]

HARVEY: [GASPS]

COPS: [GASPS]

CITY: [GASPS]

CRANE”: [GASPS]

GOTHAMITES: [GASPS]

RACHEL: [WOULD GASP EXCEPT SHE’S DEAD]

AUDIENCE: [LONG WAIL] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-


-WARNER BROTHERS: NO ONE WILL DIE AS LONG AS THERE IS PROFIT TO BE HAD.-

Joker: You could have ended my miserable existence and spared this city decades of grief if you’d let me fall to my death. Why?

Batman: …you make money.

Joker: That doesn’t excuse the fact that I basically violated Harvey Dent, killed your loved one, destroyed whatever hope you had of a normal life and whatever hope this city had of redeeming itself. Why save me?

Batman: …You make a SHITLOAD of money.

-WRAPPING UP PLOT THREADS.-

[Remember all of our foreshadowing?]

WEURTZ WHO IS A BAD BAD BAD MONKEY: Fuckin’ City. If it’s not a guy blowing shit up it’s a penguin stealing babies or a cat stealing diamonds. We’re like a zoo but without peanuts.

Harvey: HERE’S SOME NUTS.

WEURTZ: …HOLY CRAP. I mean HI. Uh…wow, you’re looking…positively stomach churning. How are things?

Harvey: VENGEFUL.

WEURTZ: I had no idea.

HARVEY: why must you turn this bar INTO A HOUSE OF LIES?

Weurtz: Look man, if that defense worked for the Nazis…

Harvey: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WORKED FOR THE NAZIS? CAPITOL PUNISHMENT.

Weurtz: Oh HELL NO-

BLAM BLAM!

RAMIREZ: Harvey, listen, I really didn’t know what they were going to do to you but is it really so important that you need to take it out on Gordon’s family?

Harvey: I lost the only person I loved. Let me think about that. YES?

RAMIREZ: So what happens now? Are you going to kill me?

Harvey: UNFORTUNATELY NO. See, you’re “based” on a character that has further stuff to do in COMIC CANON and since this thing’s made SO MUCH MONEY we could totally explore that.

RAMIREZ: uhh-

Harvey: PLUS YOU AND I COULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

Ramirez: Isn’t my comic book character a Lesbian?

Harvey: I didn’t say it had to be consensual.

-OKAY, SO ONE MORE FANFIC CUT TO REALITY.-

ASPIRING AUTHORS AND NOT JOKER OBSESSED FANFIC-WRITERS IN THE AUDIENCE: …THERE’S AN IDEA.

-ANNND BACK-

RAMIREZ: EEP!

Harvey: See ya soon [PUNCH]

-WE CONCLUDE IN THE WAREHOUSE OF LOVE AND EXPLOSIONS.-

GORDON: okay so Harvey, maybe I messed up.

Harvey: …really.

Gordon: maybe I shoulda listened and been tougher on my cops. Cut down on extra donut Thursdays, y’know, stopped letting them borrow the cars for “Moonlighting” in bad parts of town…

Harvey: YOU THINK SO MAYBE?

GORDON: …But please. Don’t do what you’re thinking of doing. Don’t hurt my family.

Harvey: How’d you figure that out?

GORDON: I’m A DETECTIVE.

BATMAN: NO. I’M A DETECTIVE.

-THE BEST SHOWDOWN SINCE THE OK-FUCKING-CORRAL.-

Batman: we all screwed up.

Harvey: O RLY? NO SHIT SHERLOCK. THAT MUST BE WHY THEY CALL YOU THE GREAT DETECTIVE.

Batman: Annnd unfortunately you got the worst of it.

Harvey: …That’s putting it mildly.

Gordon: Seriously Man. Damn.

Batman: Well, BATMAN NEEDS A STRAIGHT FOIL AND I’M STILL MARKETABLE.

Harvey: WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL?

Batman: Because unlike other superheroes, I can actually be RELATED TO.

Harvey: so what am I? Chopped liver?

Batman: No, you appeal to a special group of people who treat you as part puppy dog part wolverine and y’know, find you an enjoyable and tragic villain since the tragic ones are always complex.

HARVEY: [CONFUSED] …I can have vengeance?

Batman: …No Harvey. YOU CANNOT HAS VENGEANCE.

-HARVEY DENT DIES.-

Audience: WTF!

COMIC AUDIENCE: Woah. Woah. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. This is a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. IT’S A SUPER HERO MOVIE. AND THE VILLAIN DIED. THE HERO TECHNICALLY KILLED THE VILLAIN. HEROES DON’T KILL PEOPLE.

Tony Stark: …Uh….

[THE SMOLDERING WRECKAGE OF THE IRON MONGER IS POINTED AT BY ALL THE CAST MEMBERS]

Audience: ….WTF!

Comic Audience: PEOPLE WHO AREN’T TONY STARK DON’T KILL PEOPLE!

Audience: W. T. F.

-BEFORE THE CREDITS GRACIE.-

GORDON: WELL, we’re fucked. We had a shot at cleaning up this shithole and this guy went bananas just like the LAST Harvey dent, Mayor, Etc. Etc.

BATMAN: are you sensing a trend as well?

Gordon: [EYES NARROW] really. WHAT DO YOU THINK BATMAN?

BATMAN: I think I killed those people.

Gordon: THAT MUST BE BECAUSE YOU’RE A DETEC-wait what?

BATMAN: I’m a murderer. I killed those people.

-INTERJECTION. LET US SHOW YOU IT-

NOLAN: that’s right bitches. That’s right. All part of the plan- IT’S NOT A SUPER HERO MOVIE.

-FINALLY, THE END.-


GORDON: [BLINKING RAPIDLY AND STUIPDLY] and apparently FREAKED OUT THE AUDIENCE. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT YOU BATMAN?

Batman: MAKE A SEQUEL SO I CAN REDEEM MYSELF.

[END CREDITS]

-LET’S GO TO THE REACTION.-

AUDIENCE: [STARES WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN]

COMIC AUDIENCE: …BEST. ADAPTATION. UNTIL. WATCHMEN. COMES. OUT!

REGULAR AUDIENCE: AAARGGGH! AHHH! NO SOLID ENDING! NO HAPPINESS! WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS?

NOLAN: not a super hero movie, certainly. [SMUG]

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Think anybody will get an Oscar?

SANE AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: I think if nobody does then the line between Art and Entertainment will forever remain in the fucking sand.

THEATER EMPLOYEE: please deposit all trash in the receptacles provided and make sure to collect anyone who has melted into a puddle and adhered to the floor-thank you and come again!

[FADE TO BLACK]